Heart Practices | Feb 23, 2023 “Meditation Q & A With Wendy Nash” #06

This is the sixth installment of the ongoing live series with Wendy Nash inquiring into meditation practice on and off the cushion. Due to no Q & A in January we did two in February. And since February is often associated with love and Valentines day we did one on Love & Brahmaviharas and for this one we dove into heart based (meditative) practices by asking and answering questions of each others’ practices along with touching on inheritance, challenges, capacity, depth, giving, emotions, family, etc.

Join these Q & A’s when they happen live:

*There’s naturally an ongoing open call for meditation (related) questions for the (roughly) monthly “Meditation Q & A” either by the various social media means listed; integratingpresence[at]protonmail.com or just showing up on Insight Timer live or Wisdom App to type/ask live.*


Regular, current and past visitors to Integrating Presence may recall the monthly series “Ask Us Anything” I did with Denny K Miu from August 2020 until January 2022 — partially including and continuing on with Lydia Grace as co-host for awhile until March 2022.

For a few months thereafter I did various Insight Timer live events exploring potential new directions and/or a continuation of the Ask Us Anything format while weaving in other related teachings to these events.

Then, after chats with meditation coach Wendy Nash, it became clear to start a new collaboration similar to “Ask Us Anything” simply and clearly called “Meditation Q & A” especially due to the original intent of the Ask Us Anything’s being “discussions about meditation and related topics.”

Audio: Heart Practices | Feb 23, 2023 “Meditation Q & A With Wendy Nash” #06

Past chats with Wendy:

The raw unedited YouTube transcription of this podcast:

and today again once again the lovely Wendy Nash with me back again for our meditation q a this is the number six

Wendy what’s going on how are you yeah I’m good I’m good I’m writing all

about my favorite topic just before we came on I was writing all about my

favorite topic which is about active travel how to think about our cities in

our urban areas in a way that doesn’t involve a car and since our q a today is

meditation on love different what do we do you and me what do we do in our things actually you know engaged

engaged Buddhism as um calls it is

is part of the practice because I I get these documents from the council and I’m

like no that’s all I have to think about love so

there we are you I I would really love to see the the the

um other insight timer and also oh yes YouTube so if you put them in the link

then I’ll be able to see that yeah if there are any questions I’m going to put the link to the insight

timer so Wendy can take a look at that and um if in my YouTube channel is

youtube.com at integratingpresence I’m gonna put that in link

uh so it’s just you and me I think now there’s one person we have at the moment all right exciting

so so I apologize we’re running just a little bit behind I I was uh so last

time we talked mostly about um the Brahma vihar practices right we

went into detail about those and um spent a little time on loving

kindness who read the methusuta to also talked a little about uh forgiveness um I wanted to do since I’ve I’m calling

this I think I’m calling this uh love um heart practices so I just wanted to

give a little rundown of all the ones that came to mind I had a little bitty download and I wrote These down

um so you know and we also talked about gratitude so we’ve it so we’ve got the

Brahma viharas which are loving kindness um compassion rejoicing and Equanimity and then we

talked about gratitude forgiveness one that also comes up came up for me

was this I’m this is not around my alley so much up my alley so much is devotion practice so this dedication and Devotion

to someone or something and I think it comes in with faith too Faith practices

not the same as belief but this isn’t we can be inspired by faith inspired by

something we can have a bright Faith see how it can benefit us and help us and then we can have a verified Faith where

we can actually verify the benefit of this for ourselves empathy is an interesting one too I

think it’s called APA MATA in in Pali um being empathic you know feeling what

another feels um another thing is uh Chanda this is a um

a desire but like a healthy uh enthusiasm an aspiration I guess uh

desire towards things that are wholesome and spiritual practice so we can usually we might have a sense sense desires

right but we can actually have a wholesome desire for things that are going to benefit us and others

uh Sam Vega this is this poly word that means like a spiritual urgency like it’s

like this moment of waking up oh crap I gotta do this I mean it’s very urgent for me to do this can almost be like a

life-saving thing with my when my ass got kicked into gear when I hit rock bottom right and I realized oh [ __ ] I’ve

wasted so much time and uh I just waking up to how important this

really is generosity I know Wendy and I were talking a little bit before the last show about maybe how we could bring

generosity when we’re talking about certain relationships and maybe we’ll talk a little bit about all the different ideas we’ve thrown around

trying to plan for this this show but um another one is not relaxation it

doesn’t really think of a heart practice but for some people I have to really sit there and uh you know some people really

need to unwind and it’s it’s almost like an act of self-care and self-kindness vulnerability

um it’s it’s so this is how the heart opens and we talk a little bit about armoring

last time and how we think not being vulnerable will protect us maybe sometimes it does but it’s hard to

connect when our heart is so shielded and um hardened and about opening up and and

being vulnerable from time to time acceptance um but this is also to be balanced with

assertiveness forthrightness diligence and you know ardency but the the passive side of this is acceptance other than uh

abusive relationships right that’s that’s not that’s nothing to accept and just a few more here encouragement

and empowerment uh I think those are also you know they’re kind of more minor

and not traditional things but encouraging one another empowering one another uh safety though we talk a

little bit about safety last time and uh maybe we’ll go into this when we talk more about Brahma viharas but I think

this is hugely important and healing you know whatever that might mean to you me

us healing and letting go to it’s more of a wisdom based practice but I think

there’s a heart element in letting go as well but I think today Wendy and I try

to keep true to the name of this show we’re going to kind of ask each other some questions about our our own

practice then we’ll maybe ask you guys about your practices as well

um some questions about your heart practices and feel free to ask us questions that’s what we we usually

invite folks to ask questions about their meditation practice or anything somewhat related or whatnot but to maybe

get more engagement we’re going to ask try to ask some questions of the audience too as well of each other so I

threw a lot out there Wendy would you is anything coming to mind do you like to point uh pick up on well first up I

guess you know this is to me about love care respect

a practice so I’m in Australia and the Aboriginal people have been first

Nations people have been living here for I heard a figure the other day and it was between 55 and 65 000 years so

that’s now it came from uh it’s one country so what what is now popular New

Guinea which is a bit to the North in Tasmania which is part of Australia but is a separate Island to the South

um all that is called suhul and so people came down through there and in the space

of 10 000 years they covered they populated the whole country the

whole land um in like millions and millions of people

so I think it’s really important to acknowledge the country that I’m calling from and I’m calling from guppy guppy

country and to I guess I think it’s really important to

recognize that that these they are people who have

shown a lot of love care and respect and veneration and devotion all those

things that you described in your opening it you know communities

keeping it together now it wasn’t all sweetened light there was a lot of stuff gone that went on down so let’s

not be you know noble savage idealization kind of thing

um but I think it is really important to recognize that

that we are on on Stolen country and that that recognition kind of being

um the recipient of stolen property that you can’t give back and what can I do to

show care for the people whose lives have been very seriously impacted by

that Injustice that crime that violence and so that’s that’s why I like to say I

am a gummy guppy country it is a it is a kind of loving-kindness practice so

that’s one of them one of the loving kindness practices that I do yeah but also just a heads up for people

who aren’t familiar with the term Brahma baharas there is another term near measurables which

I find easier to understand than the Divine abodes or yeah it doesn’t mean

anything to me Brahma baharas I’m not a Brahman and I don’t live in a vahara

which is a

we mentioned this last time and I like Sublime abidings you know like what are we living in are we living

in a squalor of the mind and heart or are we living in a bright and radiant heart or maybe we aspire to live in a

nice neighborhood of our minds and hearts you know it’s like and the whole term with this from what I understand

it’s the Buddha it’s like you know a lot of religions there’s so much good to them it’s always like the next life you

know getting there the next time the next time but here and now you can abide in this the the goodness of all those

lovely Heavenly States it’s present here and now it doesn’t have to wait until some other time or some other place

right we have this opportunity to um live uh in these beautiful and

immeasurable I like that because there is no limit you know it’s not like oh I’m gonna steal a little bit of your kindness here not enough for you anymore

it’s not it’s not based on scarcity right there’s no limit to it so yes it’s it’s and then um the native

practices as well you know currently I’m in Denmark so this is a good reminder to me to learn more history about the

native people here but in the states I know I can definitely recognize with that in in the in Missouri it’s there’s

the Trail of Tears so literally March the native people off the land of

Missouri through a Trail of Tears where so many died to put in reservations I’m not sure that the term that’s that’s

most used now uh where you know so they wanted them out of certain areas and in

other areas and there was just exactly there’s so much kind of

um lack of recognition just the the simple recognition that Wendy gives as

well that it’s not all um you know dominated by Europeans and kind of covered up and you know sanitized with

all the Bloodshed and the wars that were going on to move um Native Americans out of certain areas

and into other area because so many different reasons that I’m not really upon exactly you know how it all went

down but I mean there’s there’s kind of still a sense of sadness on the land

around that and for the very released I encourage uh anytime we can acknowledge

that in the right ways too and without being overly um worried about if I’m doing it right

or not it’s just like tune into my own heart and how it feels for me and what’s really helpful with that you know

without causing any more harm right so the whole point is to do less harm than

was done in the past right we clean up leave a place better than I found it yeah you know yeah so um first up I just

wanted to ask we have 16 meditators here okay and um if any one of our 16 guests

um would like to put in a comment we will answer it you can say that you know I might I love my cat that’s fine that’s

a form of meditation it’s just nice to kind of see who’s here yes and and there

was something there that you said uh what was your final sentence there I can’t remember oh leaving a place better

than we’ve found it ah yeah okay so I was in I was in a house

and I was raised always leave it better than when you found it but at some level

actually that is saying that what is here is a bit rubbish and I can do

better than what is here so you have to be careful that you don’t you’re not insulting someone and you’re not saying

well you’re a slob or a you don’t know how to keep house or whatever it is so I

think I I learned the lesson that that is a kind of form of superiority in a way

yeah it this is a really important Point Wendy and uh it can definitely get into that really easily and so this is

another practice I’m just looking at the point of if I go to a campsite or go outside in the states here in Denmark’s

a lot cleaner but there there’s there if there’s trash and of course I’m an eagle scout right so lots of distortions and

things and that but a lot of good too so if I’m going to a place or um then I want to when I leave the place

at least I want to keep it cleaner than I found it so we’ll just go with this example right so if I go into a space

that I’m going to be living at a little bit then I probably want to clean up the trash that’s been there however how do I

do it so I notice within myself when I start picking up pieces of other people’s trash where I’m living or where

I lived then I can get really self-righteous and judgmental and blaming okay now it doesn’t make it

glittering right but and at the same time okay well what am I perceiving

about other people I don’t even know what how that out there it could have blown out of the trash can from when the

trash people were taken away imagine if we didn’t have trash people and we had all this stuff had to build up what if

somebody’s having a horrible day they’re going through um horrible life circumstances and then

just happens to just not be mindful of when they’re doing or you know

um or you know just this it just blows out of the car it could be a million things it could also be somebody that’s

really kind of crappy and say I’m better I mean I don’t care I’m just gonna throw it

here who gives a care I don’t you know Screw at somebody else’s job well then I think I think I think we’re off track I

think we’re off track so we said we’re not gonna get sidetracked we were absolutely gonna go on yeah

yes so how okay so I think the cat comment is really good sorry about that so how do you guys show kindness in your

life to yourselves and others and this can include cats I know the very first practice and I wanna we’re gonna get

into the Tibetan practices and versions of this because I want to be educated too I know very little about the ha the

beautiful Tibetan Traditions out there um I know one of the classic ways to do bravojara’s I mean loving-kindness is

starting off with someone where it’s really easy to show love and kindness and it’s because our relationships are

so complicated a lot of times so emotionally charged uh it’s easy to pick somewhere where

there’s not a lot of emotional complications and one of that is with the pet right with the pet because

they’re just there to show love and receive love and get love so that’s where it’s a lot of times people can

really connect with an authentic sense of kindness in their hearts uh with it with their pet so I want to ask uh Wendy

and then other people listening into how do you connect um like who would you connect that you

feel safe was sharing um that were things um just flow naturally this this

friendliness this kindness this well-wishing this goodness I would say my niece and nephew for me

I’d flip it on its head actually this so I was going to pull out the book uh by

John mccransky Awakening through love which I can’t seem to find at the moment and this is one of when if you will guys

work within the individually with Wendy this is one of the books that she’s requires you to read is that right Wendy

this is one of the uh

I also recommend Sam Harris as waking up as an app so that and I recommend tricycle if you’re into magazines so

that’s your kind of Avenue uh so with with Awakening through love I

didn’t I mean I just didn’t feel loved my heart was you know hard and it was it

was difficult so what I what I do as my

practice is I focus on the ways that people are kind to me

so I focus on something as simple as you and I are in

this call together and it’s an amicable call and you turn up and I turn up and you

have prep done a bit of prep work you’ve thought about so have I and we’ve got 20

meditators here which means they’ve got I mean I don’t know they might be cooking dinner or something because it’s that time of the day here but

there is an intention to engage with what we offer which is so they have a a

presence they share their presence with us that’s an they don’t they could be I don’t know

watching the Telly and doing something else but instead they’re

you know our people here are actually spending time with us taking time out of

their day to um work with this and so I prefer to do

that um and I I said that I’m I’m reviewing a document at the moment that council’s

provided about active travel and so active travel and public transport mass

transit uh these are it yeah so this is

I guess one of my acts of love and kindness is how do I apply

the my My Love For Humanity actually and

it’s through this because I want everybody to be able to get around without having to buy a car because it costs so freaking much you know only so

so few people can do it so I’m sitting here reading this document and I’m swearing and cursing it at how much is

not there but actually there’s also a lot of good intention in there and a lot

of I’ve met so I’ve met and had conversations with a couple of these

people and they are good and kind people who really care they’re really passionate about it actually so they’re

they’re trying to put forward ideas in a way that is going to be

manageable by the society by the community and I’m replying to what

they’ve put forward and and I guess my my act of kindness is to try and find

the good that they are doing so that’s enough for me I that’s more than enough but I do have another practice that I

have and I got um I got a a letter funny sort of I got a package

and a brief note from somebody who I have a strained relationship with

and as I got this package in the note I was just like that is such a weird

letter I do not understand that person at all like I was really like

what what is this person I’m about

how can they how can they move through the world like that so you know I’m not

compassionate in that moment but I’m kind of trying to figure it out and then I realized what I did this morning in my

own practice is this morning is I brought to mind this person and I thought I am that person’s difficult

person so if you were to do so your practice which is from the abhidham or where you start you know may I be well

may I be happy may I be at peace may my good friend be well be happy be at peace

man neutral person somebody I don’t know maybe I don’t know somebody in the office who you just see their face you

don’t have any interaction with made this person be wealthy happy be at peace and a difficult person a person who

pisses you off and then the whole world and so I am that person’s difficult person I you

know and and I don’t want to be that difficult person but I am that difficult person and that person finds me

absolutely baffling why am I so difficult I’m sure that’s what what that

person thinks after you know I do all these things and I try and get it right but nothing nothing is good enough

nothing is right and and so I am difficult and and I find

that a really good meta practice because it stops that my stops that thing where

the self-righteous I’m doing good bestowing wood onto other people so

that’s one they’re the practices that I like

that’s that’s it is beautiful and to think yeah that’s that’s a really good way to flip that difficult person around

right because of who knows I’m probably their difficult person too or even if not and yeah it’s it’s good you said and

also what I picked up on is uh you said you said you’re sure there’s something

and I’m like oh really Wendy how do you are you really sure about that I forget

exactly what you said there but sometimes what this often does too is it makes what I I have this uh idea about

something and a lot of times it’s right but a lot of times it’s not but however these practices will kind of put me in a

mind and heart space where when I go um then what I finally do maybe have a

chance to sit down and interact and find out you know what’s going on if it’s appropriate time with this

person you know if they’re in a space to to talk more than you know open up a little bit more than other their their

fixed view about how I am right maybe they might have a little wedge in there to kind of um get it more of an idea of

how they view me and what’s really going on in their mind when they think about me you know and what’s you know what’s

just niceties and what’s more honest and real or and so then you know it just it

kind of gets me in a place where I can be more willing to be with challenges

too I know in my own practice this morning since we were doing loving kindness um a little bit of a humble

brag here yesterday we went to moonskland and um in Denmark and it’s

this huge place by the Sea Denmark is really kind of low-lying but this is a really huge a rock out out facing on the

sea and it kind of bends uh in and out and there’s a huge amount of air element

or wind going on all the time there it’s a mix between talk and um and uh um

Flint so this very smooth uh very um crumbly Rock but with a really and then

mixed with a really hard rock so I mean the condition is real really challenging um but so one of the kindest things I

could do for myself when I got home is just sit in meditation and just do nothing you know just kind of let my

nervous system catch up with me or me catch up with my nervous system and by the time of my meditation got done I was

just about ready to be at a point where I could start meditating you know

right but I mean yeah sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself and others is remove myself from the

situation right or allow others to be how they are you know um a girlfriend

and a and a friend that was a new friend that was there they just kind of went in

their own little space and just kind of um chilled out and weren’t social but that was and then I was provided the

space to to talk to the driver and so they could you know go offline for for a while you know

because that’s what they needed um I’m I’m laughing because uh when I met my partners that were almost three years

ago two and a half whenever it was years ago um and we were walking along and it was

sort of I think our first date or something and he said something and I said oh you know is it okay if I do such

and such and I said oh you just do your thing lovey and and he just got up for a

bit you know condescend to me and I was like okay all right well I’ve clearly

done something this is like first date whoops and then and actually you just do

your thing lovey is such a staple now in our relationship and letting someone

be able to do the thing that gives them a space a sense that they are

able to to be present you know if that’s what makes you happy you just do your

thing lovely so there is something really lovely about

the permission to because sometimes I think uh should I do that am I being

hard and by withdrawing can I do that and and just that simple acknowledgment

you know you just do your thing Lobby then it just it’s so nice to have that

permission that is a that is an act of love it it really is and it’s also giving

ourselves permission a lot of times allowing yes this allowing practice

um but one of the topics um Woody and I um thrown around for potential is this

notion of being generous in relationships right and we can be our

you know it doesn’t have to be even Intimate Relationships but here’s a question for you guys how do you be how

are you uh generous in relationships and this includes being generous to yourself to a relationship with yourself or or um

to say my part of myself being generous to myself in relationship too

um now generosity of course doesn’t have to be money all the time right it can be like Wendy was talking about our our

presence and being available you know emotionally spiritually physically

um you know psychically even if we’re gonna go that way um uh our expertise offering our being

generous with our expertise um and you know I guess whatever

qualities we have that we want to be generous with so um to answer my own question I’m

going to say I don’t know right now I want to sit with this and hear what Wendy has to say

um that’s yeah you know to go back one other comment I wanted to make too with we were talking about the councils and

things like this and it’s um for me I have to hold back a lot of times because

a lot of times I want to go in there and I want to say okay yes I totally honor and respect the the

good part of this and it’s coming from a good heart but I see these distortions and if only these distortions were

cleared even more goodness can come through but you know I might even be

give more distortions by doing that so but when I do I’ve learned the hard way I really only try to correct people if

they ask if they ask um for my advice right however and Wendy

did say abhidham which is actually um the vasuti Maga anyway it’s this technical detail right yeah but but this

is this is um a thing you know and then even if we are asked to for um feedback

and advice how do we do it in the best way because things some people can be

very touchy about things right if we push the wrong button say the wrong thing so then I have to start well do I

need to walk on eggshells around this person or what then there’s other people who probably need a little bit more of

that like me I’m probably way too wide open and invite too many things in

sometimes but you know it’s this Balancing Act of how how are we going to

bring uh to the table uh when somebody asks for advice and wisdom too okay so I

think I put enough things out there let me the the questions I ask were um what okay how do you show generosity

generosity and relationship and then the other main thing is um kind of when

people ask for advice and wisdom and how we Dole it out and how do we

same for you you guys too please uh share if someone comes to you for advice and wisdom you know how do you deal with

it what are your what are your standards for doing that or how do you go about that

I’ve been looking while you’ve been talking I’ve been looking at the five I’ve got five people at the bottom of

the screen let me see if I can bring up more uh who uh no only five so

five people who are at the bottom of my screen and we have people in France and

we have people in England and are you talking about on YouTube are you talking about insight timer inside timer

Yes mine shows 36 and there’s eight people

but I’ve got okay I’ve only got four people four baubles oh I see yeah yeah

yeah same here okay so I was thinking about generosity and love and one of the

topics that uh Josh you and I were chatting about is

the um curly topic of inheritance

so I’ve Heard lots of stories where

inheritances you know what we inherit is is really an

expression of love that’s how we see did that person love me and

I’ve heard situation it’s a complex thing because money is finite and if

somebody doesn’t have an enormous estate well that’s something if somebody has a huge estate then that thing so

um uh what was that name of the beetle who got killed I’ve suddenly gone drawn a

blank well the Beatles we’ve got Ringo uh no no John Lennon of course John Lennon that’s

who it was so he apparently put a clause in his said anyone who

constantly cut out of it because he just knew how many people would be championed a bit for it so I thought that was a

very interesting thing but um

I’ve known lots of situations where you have an older family children from a

first marriage and when the It’s usually the father dies

and they’ve had kids by a second wife then all the money goes to the second

wife and the second children which is yet more abandonment and that is really

the older children get very incensed by that and very hurt

and I also heard the story about and that one I’ve heard lots and lots and lots or even if there’s no children

together that it all goes to the second wife and so the the children of the

first marriage don’t get anything even if that was the house that that child was raised in really complicated stuff

and then I heard the story about a guy who had had to give up his work in order

to care for the parents and when they died their parents left split it exactly

50 50 between the two children now the other son had was a very wealthy

solicitor so because it went right down straight down

the middle the house had to be sold and so this person had been living in that house

caring who had given up their work suddenly found themselves really in a much worse situation there had been no I

guess compensation for the fact that this child had really put themselves out for the care of the parents

so I think inheritance is a really complex question when it comes to love

and how do you how do you do that one of the Tibetan practices that I really like and I did

this with a client when he was when they was thinking about how am I going to allocate all the shares with the other

co-founders when they’re not pulling their weight so there’s a very complex process to think about and

there is a practice where you put you imagine you’ve got all your wealth you

get your you get your wallet or purse or something and then you imagine giving them

everything you so you have nothing and then you imagine not giving anything

and then testing it how imagine giving some or a bit and then sussing out what

feels good and that that’s actually a monastic practice so before you be going to become a monk you try that and then

you see what you’re still really attached to your big most favoritest possession you know something very dear

that has been a gift from someone that’s uh that that I find that’s a

really good practice on generosity because it really gives you can’t cheat with it

and there’s another one on the metabavna practice the standard loving kindness meditation practice where you’ve got you

know may I be well may I be happy so I guess that in these days you don’t have

so many meditation Halls you know so many have closed down due to covert but

if you’re in if you’re doing loving kindness meditation in a group then instead of saying may I be well may

I be happy bring to mind somebody in the room who is with you and they are wishing you to

be there wishing themselves to be well and then somebody who likes you and then

somebody you feel somebody you don’t really know and then somebody who thinks you’re a pain in the ass and then

everybody in the whole room and just see see how that lands because it’s really shitty when you have somebody who’s

who who they’re sending you loving kindness and

you don’t like them it was like oh piss off you know

so yeah we talked about this last time right uh usually we don’t hear so much about the receiving end of this but just

think of how many thousands of practitioners in any given moment are sending loving kindness to all beings

everywhere and so if we get exhausted or we think we have to send it out there what about just sitting back and basking

in that goodness and it’s even more immediate if we’re in the same room with someone yeah like Wendy mentioned that

is a really good thing right it’s not just a one-way Street here yeah

now this inheritance thing it really fascinates me so um me being you know a guy in more

practical right and want to fix everything sometimes um I would just offer to not not going to solve all the

world’s inheritance Problems by this but you know what would it be like to just invite everybody you know in a uh at a

time and just talk about these things the thing is there’s so much emotionality involved in this I would

say a lot of entitlement involved here too a lot of righteousness

um and then it just brings up past memories around people around things now

for me the way I look at this is um you know this is uh

what if I was okay with getting absolutely nothing you know um how would

I feel about that you know you know how in sitting with that practice too and now Wendy mentioned the monastic practice it’s really good but

now think of being on the receiving end of this okay what if I did that get absolutely nothing inheritance from

which is easy for me to say actually because you know I’ve actually received

a little bit of early inheritance probably too much personal information here so just just keep that in mind it’s

easier for me to say that right not a lot but um but the thing is what would it be like if I got nothing what if I you know

how would I how would I take that and then the opposite extreme what if I somehow found out about some rich uncle

or somebody came into a ton of money right before their death and then left me everything you know and like John he

had the opposite problem like he is because there’s going to be so many people after that right or somebody wins the lottery you people come out of the

Woodworks and say you’re a friend how am I going to do that now I have all this responsibility that I have to people

would say it’s great but some people would be like no there’s gonna be you know my life will never be this same I’m

gonna have to you know have so much more you know More Money More Problems as

they say so this is a great practice and I hear in the monastic life that um you can’t you can’t even ordain if

you have debt um and I guess the in some traditions because one of the things was people would Escape debt they would just run

away from it and go ordain and then nobody would go after a monk right because they’ve they’re fairly well

protected and society and things like this so they weren’t allowed to even ordain if they were in debt so this is

an another thing right um yeah so it was like what would and then this

is speaking of generosity by the way okay if you’re on insight timer we’re encouraged on the Live Events to ask for

donations and how it will help us uh and of course it will help pay the website bills of course and so I can still still

do this but this is the standard generosity practice like in for late practitioners and just anybody in

general what is it like um to before I give a gift before I give

an act of generosity what do I feel like how does it land on me you know uh how

is my heart then again what I’m giving and then again afterwards as well so and

I like Whitney’s practice how it takes it even further by um you know Imagining the amounts right and then this is it

ties it into a mindfulness of death too because this is you know our inheritance this means that we’re going to be gone

after this right so this is a mindfulness of death to the inevitable that we’re not no one is going to be

able to take anything with us so how much is it really worth to get upset you know prolonged amount of time over this

when we can’t even you know we can’t take anything with this anyway I think uh you know but I I have I have

seen people say oh you know when my pet and when my father died when my you know it

was all fine I was totally at peace with it it was all fine I just to me I think

wow that sounds like spiritual bypassing so I think it is important to

acknowledge that things wrinkle that it’s not easy it’s not comfortable

it’s not pleasant and to me that’s where the work is not to say I’m a good person

I’m all over it you know I’m I’m cured but to say oh wow actually this is

this is difficult practice and I think that’s why so much so I want to go back

a little bit to the yeah I think honestly yeah that’s the big

thing about this are we lying to ourselves about this yeah and I think you know one of the things that I have

heard and I I see this too and certainly this was my case is I found it really

difficult to do loving kindness meditation because love was so strongly associated with romance it was

associated with my sense of worth as a person uh it reflected difficult

relationships with people in my family I’d also struggled with the fact that I

was often single so it it it was it was it felt more like it

was an unloved meditation more than a loved a meditation about feeling unloved

in a meditation about feeling love and yeah I guess where am I going with it

but I think there is something important to to say loving kindness meditation is

not easy and in fact it’s so twisty in our society a lot of teachers

don’t even call it loving kindness practice anymore they call it something else and benefactor you know good will

or benefaction or something yeah I like Unstoppable friendliness in this it’s a

well-wishing too I know I can just Echo Wendy’s statement when I first started this all of a sudden I started

remembering all these times the exact opposite and I think this is fairly common especially amongst practitioners

first starting a loving kindness practice the exact opposite of what we want comes up and at the same time I

look at that in retrospect as what needed to come up as a type of cleansing and purification

um I I would see how I treated myself like really low quality but also other

people and it was really heart-wrenching to kind of see that in the Mind’s Eye and relive that and actually weak during

that process a lot of times too um you know I was by myself but then it

was just it felt like a relief to to have that come up you know because oh

wow you know this is it really hurt that time you know oh I could have really

hurt that other person I didn’t really mean to do that you know or I can see how they want to be happy just like me

right um to now where it kind of evolves into yes I liked it I like when people are

friendly to me that’s that feels good it feels actually really good to have someone authentically friendly towards

me uh at least maybe if I’m not having a if I’m having a bad day I’m just kind of like

but at the most part in the more than likely people are going to reciprocate

in a similar way that we put forth right or we will reciprocate a lot of times to

match the energy of what’s coming at us so of course it’s it’s it seems beneficial if I at least don’t cause any

more problems for people people have enough problems and issues they’re dealing with too I don’t need to

contribute any more to that and that’s how I would like to be treated too you know this this kind of cheesy or but

also helpful Golden Rule treat other people like we’d like to be treated right so imagine how would if someone

what is this here’s a question for Wendy in the audience how would you like people to treat you right how how would

I like to be treated by you know different people in my life my friends my family myself my enemies how would I

want to have them treat me and I love this other question that’s kind of along the same lines is if what would the

world look like if everybody was doing what I was doing so this is more of a rhetorical question

but you know it really makes me think about um the things that you know I think I

can get away with or you know oh it’s no big deal you can do this but what if

everybody was doing exactly what I was doing what would the world so yeah I want to get it back to the Q a

of meditation yes okay so so how does this look like

in a meditation practice okay so um so I I remembered there was a um a

meditation tricycle I was reading it an article and there was a practice called

Nikon it’s a Zen it was in practice I guess

and there are three questions so he describes he goes on Retreat for a week

and the only practice he does is these three questions and he says what have I

received from others and then the next question is what have

I given to others which I think ties in with what you’re saying there and what

troubles and difficulties have I caused others and I think that’s a that that’s quite

nice because then it starts to be oh dear oh dear and

and we don’t we always want to see ourselves as the good guy

and I think seeing ourselves as the difficult person the trouble we are the troublemakers

I find that um it’s very humbling

and uh just I think it’s really easy to so I’ve met

a couple of people who follow a [ __ ] similar slightly different path which is

a Vita and they have recognized no self but there isn’t the loving kindness part of

it that I can’t see that as part of that practice and so here are these people who are

really clear they see really clearly but you know they in in Buddhism we talk

about there are two wings of a bird wisdom and compassion and you need to have

compassion but too much is no good and not enough is no good and in fact as

anyway I’m digressing here we’re so excited about all the different things

so what was your question Josh yeah exactly so we’re going to look at these more in in the meditation practice and I

I’m glad you brought up that that Zen practice because that’s kind of what I was getting at right so this is a formal

practice you know um how do these really land in the heart when we’re doing our meta practice on

the cushion you know um really tuning into how this feels in

the body and the heart and the mind when we’re Wishing Well to other people

um yeah and uh how would uh in like Wendy was saying the practice of just the imagining of what other people how

does it land when we we practice about receiving loving-kindness friendliness Goodwill you know non non-ill well how

does that land in the heart and then yeah if we’re doing more of a contemplation practice what are the

benefits of this how can we see this benefit off the cushion um I guess um uh I wanted to talk about

maybe talk is it called tonglen the Tibetan practice yeah we can talk about that in a sec but um I wanted to ask

about um and then also how do we take this off the cushion has anybody how do we practice this in our everyday lives do

we um as more of a formal practice though it’s it’s hard to do this when we’re interacting when we’re interacting

it’s just kind of our practice you know the re the fruit of our practice can kind of come through right I mean I’m

sure there’s artificial methods for us like doing eye gazing and wishing each other well and things like this and

these are those are beautiful kind of more um public or interactive practice

like meditation circling and these uh people call them dyad practice and

there’s Insight dialogue which maybe we’ll even do a show about at some point or something but I mean one of the

things I do if I remember of it and remember it if we’re standing in line or if I’m standing in line at the grocery

store you know how can I uh at least bring less ill will towards what I’m

viewing in the grocery store I mean does my mind spin off too and when I’m in the States look at all this GMO crap food

with all the additives and poison in it is that really gonna do me or anybody good in that moment no because it’s it’s

already there right it’s not going to do me any good but what about the people that are there why not I wish them well

in health and happiness you know in the rest of their day or you know or even just acknowledge that they’re in front

of me and that they’re not just taking up my time you know part of a line something like this you know

um or just driving driving by people or just acknowledging that someone’s passing me by in the store instead of

just shutting off to the aisle that I need to to get something this these really small acts of kindness we can

bring these into our daily lives on off the cushion I mean a lot of people have so much stuff going on there’s not a lot

of capacity for this but even just a remembering to do some of these things right

so I mean Wendy had you do this in your daily life I mean the I think the the beautiful practice of giving

acknowledgment to the the native people on your land is a beautiful loving-kindness practice like you say do

you do anything else in daily life as torah’s um kindness and these type of things

yeah yeah in real life so in in these moments

um I tend to do the one what is so what is the person giving me in this moment

it’s that person taking time time out of their their day for my well-being so

something as simple as you’ve got a meeting and people have prepared documents for that

meeting they have thought about what will work because when we go to work we don’t just

work nine to five or even if you work longer hours eight to six

you’re not just there thinking about work during that time people are thinking about work outside that time

so that’s that’s to just really notice all the contributions that people make

that is I think one one thing really lovely and I have found that that has changed the way that I am but there is

also one of the things that I I was really stuck with is that I was doing that

but I also come from a family which is really condescending and so I had this

unconscious stuff that was coming across as people would say you’re so patronizing

I’m talking about I’m not I’m not I’m not and then just a couple of weeks ago

I was sitting on in the morning sitting going oh I’m so condescending

oh that’s why they told me I was so condescending it’s because I was condescending

and so so we can offer we can give treat

others as we would like to have done back to us but we don’t know how we treat people sometimes

you know and that was a big challenge hey just just so you know we’ve got seven minutes left sure I I um that’s it

was a big trigger for me when people when I at least perceived other people to be condescending I really for

whatever reason it really um it it kind of hurt or triggered something and then I one way I realized

that when I was perceiving that um it’s just like well you know some people that’s how they they distance

themselves from the world right so if there’s a sense of condensation it’s kind of like a protection mechanism a

little bit right um and I I find myself doing it too right I don’t think anybody of us have

completely cut that off um now I want to just give shout out to Wendy too because when we did our first

very podcast um uh before we started these uh things she really acknowledged the fact that uh

publicly that thank you for doing these podcasts they take a lot of preparation and things like and uh you know in a lot

of work and I just wow somebody finally acknowledged this and I was totally

unconscious the entire time I was really looking um for someone to acknowledge all the

work it took because it you know it goes in the behind the scenes and then once I just had that simple acknowledgment I

had this realization like wow I was really seeking that from outside myself for so long you know and then there was

just like this huge relief in this realization that wait a second I can give that to myself I really don’t need

it outside myself so much you know but it took that outside mirror to show that

I was seeking for it outside myself and it was just like this aha moment and you

know um yeah it was great so I just wanted to do that and the other thing that occurred to me we talked about

um uh what goes along the lines of some of these things we’ve talked about but this new term I’ve heard not too long

ago toxic positivity

I know that I grew up with it it used to be called positive thinking yeah and I

always were actually helpful in a way but then some people take it too far right and then it gets toxic too so oh

yeah I think the thing the way that so I had a bit of a conversation with somebody

late last year about this where it was about being really positive and I felt

like where is the where is the line and you talked before about you know how do

people see us and what do we want from our relationships what do we want from our connections

and I want people to see my heart my my emotional landscape my

that that’s what’s important to me but when I talk with family members they’re

only interested about where I’ve gone what I’ve done where I live where what do I you know

and they’re not a materialistic family they’re just not interested in the emotional landscape so it feels quite

bereft for me a lot of the time so that

so where was I going with that so on the one hand there’s this toxic positivity

yeah hi it’s so nice to meet you you know and I just go I’m so excited like a

lot of Americans do this I’m so excited when the podcast thing oh this is such

an exciting show and I’m thinking do they do that every single show yeah I’m really excited really and to me it

doesn’t it doesn’t feel sincere and there’s something about when somebody is sincere and positive you can let the

[ __ ] you can let crap in it doesn’t have to be lovely and warm and kind you you

have but you do have to have emotional breadth and debts yourself to be able to

manage that because as one of my relatives said to me oh you’re always dumping on me you know it’s an emotional

dump and actually I realized that that person doesn’t have the capacity to

to to understand the emotional landscape which is why we have so many conflicts

actually yeah and this is this is one that I I struggle with too is that um uh

you know okay so the the this wise advice of people can only meet us as

deeply if they’ve met themselves right so if I’m looking for someone to get

really involved and in deep things and I keep forgetting oh wait a second they

don’t do any of these practices it’s just on the surface level and that you do not have the capacity

these will bring up things and people that they’re not either not ready to deal with or if they have no idea how

you know how to deal with them so they don’t have the tools if some of these things come up right so I’m constantly

reminding them myself of that and that just shows our power in a way in our responsibility I need or no we I can’t

speak for myself of what I’m you know what I can possibly bring up on people and are they able to handle it or you

know a lot most you know thankfully most people can sense right away and so they they kind of distance themselves or only

talk about very surface level things because it is a really deep thing now on the other end I know um I really

involved uh like psychological and emotional depth however at the same time

I also liked doing on the productive American I like to get things done and so sometimes I’m like okay well how much

of an emotional process do I need to be with this person right now and uh it’s

just like in in a way it’s it’s this is something I’m still grappling with because if I

think that way then I’m kind of not valuing the other person as much too right but and at the same time we

there’s only so much time in the day as well um so it’s it’s the balancing and then

that I mean a more traditional masculine qualities and masculine’s not as fascinated in emotions although I can go

very deeply and be involved and be there and really appreciate the process at the

same time just know that there’s a masculine quality that’s more it’s different a lot of times than our

feminine qualities um so it’s it again it’s a balancing act this type of thing yeah yeah we’re at

times all right well it says six o’clock according to Michael yes I just turned

this way so uh guys thank you all so much for our uh at least considering to

share your hearts with us and open your hearts and consider some of these practices

um all the things we did well uh welcome to write in questions and

when do you want you to leave folks with something here what would you like to learn uh what should I leave them with I

think so we have a number of Americans I’ve been checking we have a number of Americans and Mr Rogers has received

gracefully so always receive gracefully and I think that is a really beautiful practice and then you can be with who

you are and the thing that I learned with family I’m a bit slow on the uptake for this one is that they are

essentially strangers who you happen to have Blood Ties with so you don’t have

anything in common with them except the fact that you have Blood Ties and some

common experiences but effectively they’re like office workers you don’t have anything in common with them they

are not friends well I I sometimes you’re lucky but yeah sure and I like to

extrapolate this to other people too because sometimes I can get oh Wendy is like this Wendy is this type of way but

what if I went into it with a brand new stranger look every time that way I don’t solidify find My Views towards

someone and only see that this person’s always late this person’s always on time I know this person they’re like this

well what if they’re what if I went into with fresh eyes every time and just like what can I learn new about this person

today you know that I’ve never seen in this way before that’s right that’s a really nice that’s

a really nice practice that’s it we’re over time Josh all right all right guys be well

have fun

Published by josh dippold


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