In this somewhat reflective episode, I share insights from living as a lay resident in a Buddhist monastery in England, focusing on the delicate balance between inward practice and selfless service.
Key topics include:
- The challenge of maintaining personal spiritual practice while fulfilling communal responsibilities.
- The emotional complexities around selfishness, guilt, judgment, and communication.
- Cultural contrasts between England and America regarding service, structure, and flexibility.
- The importance of healthy boundaries to avoid burnout and support long-term effectiveness.
- Navigating shame, guilt, and intention when offering help or prioritizing personal time.
- How the heart — rooted in goodwill and wisdom — can guide discernment in balancing self-care with community care.
Themes:
- Mindful service vs. spiritual retreat
- Emotional honesty and communication
- Cultural dynamics of helpfulness
- Personal well-being in community life
Audio: Balancing Inner Work And Selflessness At A Monastery (As A Lay Resident)
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(Mostly) Unedited transcript via https://restream.io/tools/transcribe-audio-to-text
Hey everyone. This is a note on a subject about monastic life here in England, in the Buddhist tradition. And, of course, I can only speak as a lay resident and not much experience. And this notion of balancing going inward and doing practice, Opanayiko, leading inward, and balancing that with selflessness, let’s just say, in a positive light. I want to focus on balancing the positive and negative aspects of this too because kinda constantly balancing of this being supportive to inward practice, but also not being selfish and neglecting duties and responsibilities and opportunities to serve.
So there’s quite a bit to be said, but I’ll try to condense this into the main sticking points. I think the positive aspect needs to be balancing it as well. Because when I think selfishness, I immediately feel, oh, I’m being accused of something or I’m accusing someone else of being selfish. Where does that lead? What problems does that lead to?
And then I’m not good enough. I should be more selfless. Keeping quiet, though, when I want to accuse someone else of selfishness, but then I feel judgmental for doing so. So how do we deal with all these things? There might be everybody might be thinking the same thing, but nobody wants to say go up to someone and say, hey, you’re being selfish. Right? And so sometimes that gets bottled up inside, and it doesn’t really feel good or as helpful for people to suppress what they really feel. And and sometimes it goes talking about people behind them their back. You know?
We talk about it in generalities like this and other things, but still that’s not as direct and specific as sometimes maybe it needs to be, but sometimes it doesn’t. So it’s a very can be a complex issue. I don’t wanna overthink it. I’m just saying it’s not as simple on the surface, and there’s a lot of emotions tied up in things like this too. So what are the alternatives or and I know there’s cultural differences too.
Even just in England, in America, as similar as the cultures are, To me, maybe it’s a miss gross over generalization, but here in England, it seems like there’s a more of a servitude and a following orders and following protocol, doing things properly. And helpfulness is only there if it’s allowed and prescribed and socially kind of acceptable and approved. I do feel in America, there seems to be, at least for some, more helpfulness, a more willingness to be helpful. Now sometimes it’s a good thing, sometimes it’s bad. Just like in England, when it when it’s really good system in place, everybody follows their own things, follows protocol, routes everything the way it should be, then it’s like a well oiled machine.
Everybody knows their place and does their thing, and it works really well. And everybody’s happy, and it just hums right along, and it’s great. It’s just when these oddball things and things out of the ordinary that are bound to happen, that nobody knows what to do with, constantly referring other people to do it. It’s not their job. This is not how we do it, you know, and enforcing things that maybe don’t need to be enforced, then it it kinda falls apart.
Well, in America, that’s where the helpfulness shines, and it comes kinda from the heart and a willingness to do whatever I can to our mutual support. However, when that becomes the overriding rule, then a good system in place can then not really work because, you know, either people are trying to do themselves or some might think, oh, that’s stupid. We should do it this way instead, and there’s bickering and not a consensus. So this lack of cohesion and unity and togetherness and agreement is not there in the same degree as it is in England, I think. So it again, it’s it’s pros and cons.
At least if this holds water, there’s a significant cultural difference that will just allow both cultures to kinda know where they’re coming from and how to adjust, what to do, how to strengthen weaknesses, and and how to capitalize on the strengths. And then there’s this notion of what happens when your personal time is being neglected, people are overserving, and not taking care of their own needs? Well, of course, then they’re not as effective at serving and helping and and going inward. It can be vice versa sometimes too. So how do we balance taking care of our own needs so we can be less selfish and be able to serve more?
And how much are we giving too much emphasis to I’ve gotta have my time and me me time before anybody else, you know. So that’s the notion in guilt. What about the guilt that goes along with it? In shame too? Can it be a healthy shame and a healthy guilt?
Or is it an unhealthy, unuseful shame and guilt? And then, of course, how we’re serving and how we’re holding this balance. Are we using it to kind of control people and get what we want? Or is it for mutual welfare and happiness of all involved? So this is where I feel a lot of this is on a case by case basis.
Seems to be kind of a overarching philosophy too. So how do we balance the details and just the general sense of this? And, of course, like so much of this stuff, the heart is the guide. Right? Our heart will guide us in the discernment of knowingness and acting through a heart of goodwill, kindness, helpfulness for ourselves and others, and wisdom will help as well.
So these are just a few brief reflections on going inward, practice, inner work, Opanayiko, leading onward, progressive, not just horizontal, but vertical progression too, I would say. This act of service, helpfulness, selflessness, and balancing these.
Opanayiko (Pali)
Translation:
- Leading inward
- Leading onward
- Worthy of drawing near
- To be brought inside or applied inwardly
Integrating Presence 